As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew in my heart I would be unable to provide a happy, healthy, nurturing environment for my baby. That raising a child in the area and circumstances I found myself in would be unfair to the baby and selfish of me. I knew I wanted what was best for my baby. That I wanted to give my baby everything he or she deserved. I knew in my heart that I loved this little being, and I hadn’t even met them yet. I knew in my heart that giving this baby everything meant giving this baby life, love, a family, and more than I was able to, and adoption was the only option.
Sure I wondered if I was making the right decision. Not a day went by when I didn’t question — Have I considered everything — What if I worked 2 jobs — What about my grandma, maybe she could help? I listed the pros and cons of raising a baby in my situation. Who was I kidding, I could barely take care of myself, I had no business subjecting a baby to this life. I wanted more for my baby. I worried what people would think of me – what my baby would think of me – would my baby ever understand – could I turn my life around, is this going to be the turning point in my life. I researched adoption, I asked questions, I called agencies and hung up. I called again and asked questions, not giving them my name. Then one night I called, I asked questions, they answered, we talked. I called again a few days later, I told them my fears, we talked even more. We talked about my situation, about goals, they helped me get much needed medical care.
I looked at so many adoptive family profiles, but there was this one that I kept going back to. I can still recite certain pages from their profile because I had read it so often. We did a conference call and I fell head over heels in love with this family. I could not believe people like that existed. Was this for real? Could they be that great? I knew in my heart they were the ones. We talked periodically. At times, I tried to keep my distance, even though I wanted so much more. There were often times that I wanted to call just to chat, but I didn’t because I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t want them to reject me. When I found out the gender, I couldn’t wait to call and tell them they were having a boy but tried to sound tough on the phone, not letting any sound of excitement through in my voice. The day I went into labor I prayed so hard they would make it to the hospital in time. They did. I wasn’t sure I would want them in the delivery room and they were so respectful of whatever I wanted. While I was resting, the nurses brought them in the room. It was our first meeting face to face. It was strange really, I was so happy for them and it was so natural, so genuine. I felt so at ease and before I knew it, I was asking them if they wanted to be in the room when I delivered. They were thrilled. After he was born I just wanted to leave the hospital. Of course, I had to stay. His family came in to check on me. They asked if I wanted to see him. I had so many emotions – fear, sadness, joy, love, anxiety. It was difficult I’m not going to lie. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I struggled…some days more than others. I had friends I could lean on, but no one truly understood my pain.
Owen’s family (that’s his name) always encouraged me to stay in touch with the agency and they promised to submit pictures. There was a period of time where it was too hard. I wasn’t sure if I wanted pictures. I moved around a few times before getting a stable job and place. I went back to school. I stayed busy, but I never stopped thinking about that precious little baby. I called the agency several times but never spoke. I couldn’t muster the courage to speak. What would I say? Finally, on his 2nd birthday I called the agency and told the caseworker my name and that I had placed my baby for adoption. I asked about pictures. She took down my information and told me that someone would be in contact. I didn’t know if I would hear back from them. A few hours later, my phone rang and my heart stopped. It was the agency and they confirmed they had photos and asked for my address.
The day the pictures arrived, I sat for hours just looking through them. I smiled, I laughed, I cried, and I knew. I knew in my heart, that it was because I loved him that he was where he needed to be.
As difficult as it was to place him for adoption, I know in my heart it was the best decision. I know in my heart he is a happy, healthy little boy and that he is loved by so many. I know in my heart he has a roof over his head, a room all his own, that he will attend great schools, have lots of friends, and be able to safely play on the street of his neighborhood with his parents only worrying about him skinning his knee. I know in my heart he is getting all the things I would not have been able to provide for him. I also know in my heart that he is the reason I worked so hard to get out of that situation, to better myself and my life, just like I did for him.